Life's Ups and Downs...(for me at least)

2003-05-29T20:54:00.000-07:00

well, this is my last entry. after about a year of making this blog up...its finally time to retire it. man..i swear this blog has gone through every change in the book....soo here's a good ending to a good blog (or at least i tried to make it good..heh):

well...i have been looking at what i have become for the past year...and i have seen a little change i guess. i still am very very clueless about who i really am. some people say im sweet, adorable...heh...it feels good that i'm seen that way in other people's eyes, but is it the real me? there are still the same people looking at me at a different perspective...a bad one, and i am aware of that. i do feel the best i have ever felt before but still, nothing goes right over here in my life...the way i choose my situation is by looking at the two possibilities. its either one is good and it'll lead to another and another...or the second is that i can choose the bad way to look at things and end up going nowhere but down. in other words i can choose to be in a good mood or i can choose to be in a bad mood. each time something bad happens, heck, i can choose to be a victim or...i can choose to learn from it. every time someone comes to me complaining, i can choose to accept their complaining or...i can point out the positive side of life. so i choose which one i really want...nowadays, i usually pick the good one. but sometimes i cant stay that way...i mean, everyone breaks at least once a month right? i haven't seen anyone who hasn't. heck, i do it all the time...its just that no one is aware of it. thats why i made this blog in the first place. i vent out all my frustrations into one little typed entry. it was very fun venting out once in a while but its hard just to keep it here...

anyways, i loved this blog, and i guess now is the right time to let this one go....oh yeah by the way im working on another anyways...here.

and i also have a little team one...here.

enjoy everyone....and always Rock On.

2003-05-23T21:51:00.000-07:00

oh...

....happy birthday Gabe!!!

2003-05-22T15:26:00.000-07:00

i have totally neglected the use of this blog but i have this.

2003-05-19T21:11:00.000-07:00

it was kinda funny at fifth period today because i was able to talk all period since there was a sub and stuff, and prom was pretty much the topic of the day. i was talking with one of my friends, David Gray, who was a senior and was at prom and a couple of other friends that were there and for some reason, "did you make any love?" was one of the questions. it was funny because all David said was " yeah, i made a little love...but the only love i made was to my hand."

ahahahahaha.... funny.

2003-05-17T10:30:00.000-07:00

darn it...prom is over...i swear i haven't had that much fun for quite some time. although i didn't have a date, it was nice to see that everyone else did. i admit...i was kinda sad...but at least i got to dance with alot of other people. i just wish there were more slow dances and stuff...but oh well..it was fun. man now i cant wait the jibblies for next year! man...it is kinda late...and i wish i went with the guys to denny's and stuff....but yehno, parental rules got in the way. lets see i danced with mostly my friends and stuff which was hecka fun because we all danced crazy-like and stuff.

got my pictures done and that whole group picture...

i also asked jorelyn to dance a little slowdance with me and she kindly accepted, which was also nice...but it got cut off unfortunately when the DJ started mixing in some faster songs. Darn.

oh well...this was one heck of a night i'd never forget. congrats to roderick ledda on his win for prom king also...

now, on to sections...it was freaking hell guys. since it was only me, dean, rob, and mark, we were able to just ride in a little convoy on over to Lodi...which is a little tad past suisun. a long tad.

anyways, we got to the pool (which was nice by the way) at about 8.30 with a stop at Mc Donalds as well, which was in good time. but, dean, mark and i were stuck waiting for over SIX freaking hours just to swim the 200 free relay, and another two for the 400. we got our asses kicked is all i can say...i guess i can eat up my words in the past because we got whupped. Hah. we all had fun though making funny noises with blades of grass. but all three of us were panicking at the fact that we might be late to prom and stuff, most definitely.

whoo its a good thing we made it in time though....oh yeah and sorry to angela for missing her picture taking before the prom...there were some people on that two lane highway who were drivng waaaay too slow. well, we got back into vallejo at around 5.15 and i still had to drop off dean and mark at their houses, so i ended up leaving the house for prom at 6.

other than that..i had a wonderful time. wouldn't have missed it for the world...

2003-05-14T22:34:00.000-07:00

heh....im kinda having some second thoughts about that upsaid stuff....yeesh i didn't know that i would but...i tried posting just a few moments ago, and it said i can't post more than three times a day on a basic sign-up. now, whats that all about?

haha...anyways...im looking out my window and there's just this bluish- white circle blaring light into my room. heck, its a bright and very full moon...and heck yeah it was some very crazy day. i went down to my uncle's house since it was his B-Day and ate there after swimming, since we got out at 6 this time, i had about an hour to hang out a little and browse over at target and rasputin and stuff then i went home to get bored, actually. but it was pretty humble over at my uncle's house since there was really nothing to do but look at tahoe pictures we took of last weekend, which was pretty nice. i ended up knocking myself out with all the food i ate though, and fell asleep on the couch. haha...oh well..it was cool.

so since i can't post three times a day in Upsaid, how am i supposed to express the things i have in my mind? haha oh well...Upsaid is still waay cool.

rock on.

2003-05-12T21:04:00.000-07:00

oh yes...and i forgot to say...i created a new journal at http://www.upsaid.com/frizzko, and i have to say its just dandy!! hahaha...just joking.

2003-05-12T20:02:00.000-07:00

>FUCKING ASSHOLES....

SON OF A B*TCH.

OKAY SO WHAT IF I NOTICED JUST NOW....SOMEONE KEYED MY FUCKING CAR!! SHIT...WHO EVER DID IT...WHAT THE HELL DID I DO TO YOU!??! DAMMIT...FORGET DRIVING TO SCHOOL NOW..FUCK.

see...why do people do this kinda stuff, yehno? i swear i cant believe those people who did this kind of shit. its just not cool, i swear. they just fucking *RiIiIIPpPp* and there it is...a fucking half body scratch on my clean jeep door...i bet the people who did this are just fucking laughing away thinking that the scratch is like some kind of trophy or something.

oh please...why did it ever happen to me..i didnt do anything bad did i? is this like some kind of fucking sign? DAMMIT!! SHIIIIIIIT!! it looks hecka bad too...man, fuck. well, its not likely that ill find that certain someone who did it so i might as well just forget about it and just touch the fucking shit up. man...of all the things.

i even heard Jason, one of my good friends, also had some kind of defect plagued on his car...two knifed tires. man...now i swear i dont even feel like driving unless i want to go somewhere myself....fuck that shit. i guess im kinda cooled down a bit so i think ill stop now..

2003-05-12T16:01:00.000-07:00

ahh...well, i had get my prom ticket back...too bad Mike couldn't make it.

well...im pretty much the same. a little depressed but im fine. geez this stupid prom invitation has been some burden on me...my parents keep asking me about it and stuff even though i already...well...not really "sold" it. but oh well...i guess im just going to have to live with it. dammit.

other than that situation, i suppose everything is peachy back in school. im falling behind a little bit in Brumfields class but its okay. AP history is still a b*tch because we just got a new oral report due in about 4 weeks which im not too happy with. spent lunch with katrina instead of the original group i usually hang out with, which was kinda nice also. ^_^

all in all, school was pretty nice and the day was cool. cant wait till VJO since we're finally tapering over TAPERING. haha oh well...so to sum it up im about fifty dollars poorer heh, im stuck at home, and im sleepy....heh.

Y.A.A.K.A.

2003-05-12T06:25:00.000-07:00

i suppose i should wish you all the luck i can give you for your test today...i didn't realize that AP bio test was today though...heh. sooo yeah...im giving you all the luck i can give you. Good Luck!! shoot for that 5!!

2003-05-11T14:12:00.000-07:00

oh my freaking god, tahoe was hella fun. we left our house at about 3:00, right on schedule, friday, went to go pick up kris and head off. it was a looong trip though. we were perfectly ready with our pillows and stuff though. oh man...when we got there all there was were mounds of snow. when we came in to the vicinity of Tahoe, it was pouring down snow...well, if that's the term for it. it wasn't too cold, just right....all i wanted to do was stay outside, but hey i knew i might get sick and i wouldnt want that to happen would i? ^_^ heh. but it was just beautiful from there.

hah...we got there and kris finally remembered, about half way into the cabin, that he forgot to bring a freaking toothbrush. SoOo, we went down to a local Raley's to buy some supplements like firewood, some marshmallows, drinks, and stuff like that. but when we got back we just sat down and relaxed until my uncle and "nanay" came. it was hecka fun i swear. so after the whole grub fest we had with all the cooking and stuff my nanay came in with, we all just went straight to the rooms and kicked in. but kris couldn't sleep, which spread to me not sleeping at all and we ended up just staying up until 4 am just lying there listening to some DC or Ataris and stuff, and also freaking out ourselves thinking that there was something in the window since it was so dark. i think that's pretty much the main reason why we didn't go to sleep, but i don't know, it was hecka fun back there.

Saturday: me and kris ended up waking at 9:30 or something...psh, i didn't really care it was madness since we got so freaked out the same morning. we just ate breakfast took our mandatory showers ( in HELLA cold water) and went off to the shopping areas and Harvey's and stuff just to hang out and play games. my other uncle from san jose came in at about 1 pm and we just hung out ate lunch and then we were off again gong to Harrah's this time. we ended up taking the scenic route around the lake to get there which was nice also. got home at about 9:30 and watched, ate and got shut eye.

well, its mother's day today and there were three mothers in the cabin worth celebrating with so before we hit the road, we took some time to cook breakfast and greet each mom with a grand Happy Mother's Day. we cleaned up the cabin for the rest of the time and we were off at about 9:15 and got back into vallejo at around 11. man....this weekend felt hecka long, but very short when it came to having fun. i mean everyone had a great time. maybe another three months and we're back there. heh... can't wait

2003-05-11T13:50:00.000-07:00

read your blog and yeah i wish you went with us also, katrina. it was so nice, and so white because of the snow. i think you would have liked to get away from AP bio studying wouldn't you? i wish you were there just to experience it first hand. my parents did ask if i wanted to bring someone else and, well scooter wouldn't have gone because of his grades, sooo i was going to ask you, my i mean, your sister's friend didn't go, so there was one extra seat, but it was just too short notice...heh sorry. maybe next time? Y.A.A.K.A.

2003-05-09T15:09:00.000-07:00

YAY!! TAHOE!!

Y.A.A.K.A. dearie!!

2003-05-08T19:51:00.000-07:00

wow...what a "pleasant" day.

list:

1) whoo hoo! i didn't get to do my power point presentation...so that gives me one more day to touch it up.
2) lit. circles. suck.
3) im finally getting the math we're doing in CPM 3....brumfield rules!!
4) bio test was too easy...maybe i should have taken AP bio (instead of Freaking AP history!!) instead.
5) second to last but not second least...wow 2 friends had finally shown their "true colors" by talking sh*t. its stupid really.
6) now...last but not least. practice rocked today! we're finally tapering TAPERING. and i don't even have to swim tomorrow!! yay me!! i can't wait to get to Tahoe...at little leisure would do me some good right now...

yeah that's pretty much it.

-good luck x1000 on that AP test katrina!! ~Y.A.A.K.A.~

-same goes to you too scooter! good luck!

-shoot for those 5's guys!!

2003-05-07T15:27:00.000-07:00

soo...CAT 6 testing is finally over and it seems like everyone was sorta happy, but tired. heck i sure was. fifth period for three hours? i don't think i'd even make it through for one if i didn't have a computer and some solitare on hand. but it was cool because Mr. Shelley didn't care since he claimed he "could feel our pain" which was pretty cool. so what he did for the first part of class was he popped in a video and we watched. thats it. so i guess the last day of testing is over but im going to miss that schedule. it was a fun schedule because the classes were shorter and school seemed alot faster, but the drawback is that we don't really learn much. which is very true, but hey, CAT 6 is over.

so anyways...scooter called me up about an hour ago and he said he got his tux. cool dude. so may be you should try it out at that M.I.T. prom...lucky...i wish i had my tux. then after...i guess i realized, psh...going alone to prom. heck, i don't know what to do. mixed feelings over here...heh. well, other than that...going alone gave me some pretty new terms like "stagging", so you know...you can act cool while covering up that fact that your going to prom with no one, taking pictures with no one (well...maybe), and sitting with no one, with one simple word. yeah so i can be like " oh yeah, im going stag- like..heh." without rubbing in the fact that you're going alone. i have a feeling prom is going to suck.

oh well, im not in any hurry what-so-ever to get to practice after what happened last night...but i have to get my workout and train anyways...so i'll end up driving my butt down there so, no avoiding that. sometimes, the only things on my mind are grades and swimming. i mean i have good grades but im an average swimmer...everytime i go to VJO it seems hostile. not by fellow swimmers, but by coaches...they expect us to be there everyday. when you say you're going to miss they come up with the smartest excuses to get you to cancel your plans. it gets so tiring that you'd want to quit, but then they'd do something in order to keep you in the mix. which, hey, im fine with just as long as i stay fit. i love hanging out with fellow swimmers when im there, but when you get a lecture from one of our coaches...its like you'd want to drop everything and swim just to get his butt off you....

life is good, better than it should be. but not when you have a coach with a reputation of producing three top USA swimmers down on your neck.

2003-05-06T20:14:00.000-07:00

ahhh..finally practice is over. i got scolded by my coach since my family and i are off to Tahoe again....he was like...*deep voice* "i believe you should go to practice on saturday, when st. pats is having their league meet..."

i stated that i would be gone but before i could explain he was like *deep voice again* " what? where do you need to go this time? you
HAVE TO GET IN THE WATER. *emphasized greatly* or at least when your there DO A 1500 A DAY WORKOUT *emphasized again*...YOU ARE A SECTION SWIMMER AND NOW IS THE TIME TO TRAIN YOUR BUTT OFF * last time he emphasized.*"

sometimes, its waay too much to do. i mean, who swims in very cold weather, near a log cabin?

to scooter: hey man, im glad you're still posting and stuff. anyways...you're probably the best friend anyone can have. i swear i can relate to anything you say...well..almost. besides the smartness and stuff...but anyways...thanks for helping me out and stuff, especially when i really needed it. i hope you're traning hard for cross country next year, although there may be one small possibility that there will be no minor sports next year, which i think really is just a straight kick in the nads. haha..anyways...thanks for everything man i appreciate it all.

to katrina: Y.A.A.K.A. thanks for what you said earlier. did something happen when you stopped talking though? i didn't pay you back for what you said...so i guess ill say it now. so yeah...i care about you also, and i appreciate everything you have done for me in the past...its always great when your around, which is why you are the most unbelievable, kind, smart, adorable, funny, athletic as well, cute, nice, sweet, kick ass great friend, girl i have ever met in my life...also, and i certainly hope myself that you are doing fine. yeah...thanks for all that caring you've given me and since you are always there for me...i will always be here for you. [ hmm...should it be "there for you" or "here for you?"...is my wordage correct? oh well...you get it, right? anyways...hah j/k] can't stress it enough. anyways i hope your studying is going fine and good luck on that AP history test on friday...is it? heh...i guess...ErMmM...oh well...byee!

2003-05-06T15:23:00.000-07:00

so scoot...not going into hiatus huh? cool. besides...i think you should keep up the blogging. so anyways...my jaws freakin' hurt because of all the adjustments made on the braces. oh yeah and im finally escaping the metal mayhem next appointment...yesss. testing was boring as usual, although i really liked that Biology standards part. i hated the math, but it was fairly easy. i guess i cant wait until swim practice because i heard that we aren't tapering yet. but i overheard that it will be easy...to all my section buddies...well..i hope they're training hard...i sure as hell will. we may make it to finals this time. heh.

2003-05-05T15:12:00.000-07:00

well..first day of school since "the new situation" passed by. and i suppose it wasn't as bad as i thought it would actually be. i guess im cool with things...but im not sure really. i have had my share of mood changes today but everything seemed peachy. no one was practically here because of the Great America trip yesterday. hecka people turned in sick, but i heard they had alot of fun. as for me. i was stuck is the same place i was last sunday....home. other than that...i think im feeling neutral thoughts right this moment....nothing lost, nothing gained, but a freaking sh*tload of homework from friday...so i better get hopping...

oh yeah and those two songs...they KICK ASS!! i cant stress it enough...last time i swear: KICK ASS!!

- scooter are you really going to go into hiatus..is it?

2003-05-04T22:28:00.000-07:00

i sooo, still feel the same...all lost and nothing gained.

this must be what it feels like to be in a situation where nothing goes right on the inside, but everything is disguised on the outside. you know...THOSE kinda feelings. heh. for some apparent reason, i don't feel like going to school tomorrow. i'd think id be better off taking one small break from school and holding back justa tad bit. sometimes...it's just waaay too much, believe me. my situation is my situation. even if it kills me. i thank everyone for support and stuff, but i'd rather not spread my feelings to everyone else...im sure i'll be fine in about two decades. heh. just joking.

-and hey...who the hell wants that spreading to happen? you guys are cool with things as it is...heh. don't mind me.

bye, bloggie. heh.

2003-05-04T17:26:00.000-07:00

yeah...Y.A.still K.A.

2003-05-04T11:01:00.000-07:00

yesterday i went to david's party which was not too shabby at all..although my parents were sorta mad because i hadn't gotten my food till 9. but anyways..it was hecka fun because of all the trouble we had trying to get a table for 15. for some reason...selina was the head of the party, planning everything. but hey...it was cool..when we got all of our food...we ended up getting two free samplers for free...sorry guys i left so early though..i didn't want to piss off my parents.

Happy Birthday Belated David, now im only three days older than you, but your like my little big bro....haha j/k

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---- hope is a good thing. and a good thing never dies.----

"Send The Pain Below"~ Chevelle

I liked having hurt,
So send the pain below where I need it,
You used to beg me to take care of things,
And smile at the thought of me failing.

But long before, having hurt,
I'd send the pain below,
I'd send the pain below.

Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)

You used to run me away,
All while laughing.
Then cry about the fact,
'til I returned.

But long before, having hurt,
I'd send the pain below,
I'd send the pain below.

Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)
Much like suffocating.

I can't feel my chest,
Need more, drop down,
Closing in.

I can't feel my chest,
Drop down.

I liked, having hurt.
So send the pain below,
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating) [I liked]
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating) [Having hurt]
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating)
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating)
So send the pain below.

2003-05-03T15:17:00.000-07:00

finally M.E.L s are over. too bad not everyone was there...we had sooo much fun. i have to admit im sad that these seniors this year are leaving...we are going to be one small scrunchy team next year. but hey...good luck to those guys. didn't make the section for 100 back, but im still happy because i have section times with the best damn swimmers ever:

200 free relay: Salazar, Scott, Liu, Reay 1:40.86. 400 Free Relay: Winger, Salazar, Liu, Reay 3:41.43.

-you guys rock.

my depress song....i could have sworn i listened to this on mark's cd player like more than 50 times or so...it rocks soo bad:

"This Ride"~ Starting Line

it says hold on and take this ride
and set aside
memories of all the times
when you collide
then you'll leave me here to die
heres the things i meant
but i never said

it says sit back and take the time
to lose your mind
and find out what its like to die
so wheres my spine
when its time to give an obvious and simple reason why
i wont write again

what do you see
when you look at me
do you take me for a fool

so what makes you play this game
with results always the same
and nothing but bad reputations to gain
it speaks to me like all is fine
and i could cry
from all the bends and breaks that i
took this time
when happiness is based on lies
its so hard its too hard to tell the truth

what do you see
when you look at me
do you take me for a fool
this fool is through

this fool is through
this fool is through

what do you see
when you look at me
do you take me for a fool

what do you see
when you look at me
do you take me for a fool

it says hold on and take this ride
and set aside
memories of all the times
when you collide
then you'll leave me here to die
heres the things i meant
but i never said

2003-05-02T19:06:00.000-07:00

life is just one of those things many of us are blessed with. no matter what, shit happens. there is nothing to do about it.

i mean, i might be at a very, very low point at this time in my life, but at least i can make others happy. hiding my inside feelings, works.

alot of people say im one of those cool, easy- to- talk- to, " oh yeah, i can definitely relate to you" kinda guys...technically speaking of course. although i dont think of myself as that kind of person, it sure is very nice to see the look on some peoples' faces when i see them.

im still breaking inside at this point, but its nothing i can't get over. so what if i say leave me alone and stuff once in a while. it probably means i need your help more than anything else in this world right now. other than that im just joking and im always happy to see you.

so, life is just of those kinda things you can't live without...psh DUH!...heh. other than that, im glad to be blessed with the life i have.

but one question: how come its always the nice guy who doesn't get the girl?

hey i can live with it....just as long as i make others appreciate what they have, that i don't...

im sorry...for everything...earlier. something just "knocked the hell out of me" here at home. so yah...

2003-05-02T17:10:00.000-07:00

shiet...first day of M.E.Ls is over!! yay. i left the pool with one heavy fucking burden. thanks alot Donny for putting me down like that. but hey...its cool, shit happens...yehno? you're still my younger but taller "Nissan Skyline" bro.

im probably not going to, ever, anyways.

2003-05-01T21:27:00.000-07:00

i was some damn, fucking ass fool to have acted the way...i have been.

i feel really down and stupid for saying all that stuff....

i have a feeling this is my WORST down ever....and boy is it just fucking dandy!

2003-05-01T20:09:00.000-07:00

...

2003-05-01T00:39:00.000-07:00

yeah...i think today was pretty cool.

- my family took me to Black Angus or dinner...and man...all that steak and A-1 sauce had major, MAJOR rockage.

-practice was cool because we are TAPERING!! yeah!...we get non- hard sets which are uber-cool. it is hecka easy.

- so i am happy.

thank you for that little, or should i say big, happy birthday...you were perhaps the only one who remembered out of everyone...heh. oh well..thanks.
what is Y.A.S.K.A you ask? hold that thought and ill tell you later...heh. bye!

2003-04-30T06:13:00.000-07:00

yay. its my birthday. BIG whoop.

2003-04-29T22:04:00.000-07:00

" I live for people who say they want to live."

2003-04-29T16:13:00.000-07:00

man...CAT 6 testing sucks....but the day seems alot shorter and nicer than regular. the schedule makes classes seem alot shorter. but still reading and lit is over...thank god. anyways, everything is still the same...yeah..not much to say. although i scoff at the fact im swimming with VJO ( or is it pronounced VAJOE?)...heh.

okay from now on...im going to put this in italics which means im trying to send a message and i didn't have a chance to say wats up or whatever online....if its not here...then no meassage hah! no really, im just trying to get a word out if i have something here since you read it everyday!!!! heh. j/k. anyways...sorry i didn't go to practice and i really wish i was there. bye!!...Y.A.S.K.A.

2003-04-28T16:37:00.000-07:00

just having my dose of auto modellista put into my brain...uhh..anyways...i finally turned in that AP project. and as scoot says it...procrastination is a sin. im still stuck finishing the last touches to my power point.

- uhh...its cold and VERY windy. i do not want to swim at all.

- dammit hurry up and start thundering or something...GAH!!

anyways...yeah thats it. now back to racing on akagi!

i need to talk to you for a sec...

2003-04-27T00:05:00.000-07:00

wow....thanks guys for coming over, i hope you had a great time...thanks for the game and the money and stuff....thanks for that book too scooter. i have something from it that i liked alot.

cool. Shaolin Soccer has major rockage.

" Friendship is the greatest honesty and ingenuity in the world "
- Jeremy Taylor

Y.A.K.A

2003-04-25T15:27:00.000-07:00

Katrina, just do me a favor and stop saying that kind of stuff...i think you have waaay too much to live for just to go and throw it away.

- i mean....i believe that you do.

in general....dont say you're going to go kill yourself, because i swear im going to be there to stop you.

2003-04-25T06:29:00.000-07:00

we won yesterday...cool. my arm still aches a little if i move it a certain way because of that backstroke finish i had. stupid wind. anyways...ehrin was some competition in the 100 fly...at least we pushed him to his limit...but he didn't get his section time, unfortunately, and neither did i. it was fun....is all i can say. i stayed there until like 6 or something because i needed to help out with the cleaning. drove home...took the long way as a matter of fact...instead of going straight home i just went around. came back here....and yeah. thats it.

2003-04-24T18:56:00.000-07:00

sorry. very frustrated ~~ >:O(

2003-04-24T18:48:00.000-07:00

what do you live for?

- i....really dont know what i live for. i can say i do live life to the fullest...but that would be lying. i live for friends. i live for family. i live for the things that put me down every single day. i live for those friends who dont like me. i live so that i can see what comes up the next day. i live for the life i want to achieve for. i live for my goal to become sucessful in life. i live to take risks. i live for someone who i see breaking on the inside without showing it on the outside. i live for the things that break me inside. and last, pretty much to end this, i live just because i want to live.

- other than that i hate people who say they dont want to live...all i can say is....if you don't want to fucking live anymore, why are you still here, living?

...go ahead and ruin your fucking life....just like i did to mine.

2003-04-23T19:06:00.000-07:00

hmm...i went to bethel again...which was pretty cool. at the end of practice though scooter asked me one question that i pondered about.

- uhh anyways...next time you go to sleep and end up thinking...think about this:

What do you live for?

- i think ill get back to that question tomorrow and put it in this blog....anyways this is justa quick one because i gotta go get some stuff for saturday....

2003-04-22T16:18:00.000-07:00

school was okay. nothing much happened...everyone is still tired and such i think. i have to swim my ass off again for VJO...darn. i hope its easy munch for us today...haha just trying a little wordage there. i have a gut feeling that thursday will rain again...but i can't wait. i wanna go kick some cross-town rival butt.

...or maybe they'll kick mine first and then ill kick some when they don't notice. haha anyways... its swimtime!! haha not showtime...

okay here goes...

2003-04-22T06:06:00.000-07:00

dude...these new 04' Lancer Evolutions and 04' Subaru WRX's are damn sexy...i want one now.

damn sexy.

**kinda sorta updated the blog about that dream...i had one more thing i forgot to put. you'll see it if you read it again...haha**

2003-04-21T21:19:00.000-07:00

i was just browsin' it up on some bookmarked sites of mine and came across something pretty true, something i might relate to:

You've never had a girlfriend, and your life doesn't feel so great, so you think that's the missing piece that'll make everything fall in place. You figure, if only you could share your loneliness with someone else, the world would become a much sunnier place because you finally have someone who cares if you're happy.

My god, let me tell you how wrong you are.

A girlfriend is not the line piece in Tetris that clears everything out for you, and I know you get that metaphor because you're a goddamn nerd just like me. A relationship is a responsibility that most of us are not ready for, but you're going to get into one anyway, so let me tell you what it's like.

You tell yourself, happiness is making other people happy, and as soon as you have that ability your world is one fat rainbow slide into the pot of golden bliss. It seems true enough from what we've been taught, doesn't it? Hah.

You don't think you're ever going to break a girl's heart. You've always been on the receiving end of heartbreak this far. Anyone that you date, you're going to treat like a goddess, unlike all those other asshole guys in the world. You're different. You're better. You're going to be happy.

You're a stupid little kid.

I broke a girl's heart a week and three days ago, a girl who didn't deserve it, a girl who I made happy. I realized I wasn't happy sometime in the last two months, but I tried staying in the relationship as long as I could for her sake. And this is where I realized what a huge burden her happiness was, a burden made a thousand times worse because I knew it shouldn't be a burden. When I couldn't do it anymore, I realized that in life, you're going to have to be a bastard every once in a while. It's necessary, it's unavoidable, and it's going to happen to you.

To end this increasingly incoherent lecture, don't make yourself believe that you can find inner happiness from other people. It's the other way around, something you need to figure out before you end up breaking someone's heart. So stop whining about needing someone, sit your ass down, and think about what it is you want, who you want to be and if you could really find someone who's at the same time in their life as yours.

Relationship: responsibility. Too much of one without the other.

-p5

so, yeah. i suppose that after reading this i had a different perspective on the sad truth. i guess thats the way it is. thats the way life is. now, it may not apply to everyone, but it sure does hit the mark on some stuff.

2003-04-21T19:13:00.000-07:00

my dream:

there i was sitting in my room just a couple months ago, feeling like i had no burdens, or nothing to worry about. seemed like everything went fine for a change in my life.

...but soon enough, eveything started to break away. didn't go up in life anymore. everything went the negative way. just went down. everything went down...so then there i was again...

holding a Glock to my chest...life is just too hard now.

nobody has a care in the world. i cant take it anymore...a burning sensation in my chest pulls through....and out my back.

i can feel it, and everything turns white....then i fall down.

i swear i didn't feel a thing...then i saw blue and red lights flashing...

and then a long, annoying, nerve-wracking beep.

and then it just went blank. no noise...just pitch black.

yeah. that's when i woke up. it made me realize what would be the outcome if i had chosen to do what i wanted to do that day. but something always keeps my hopes up. (or rather someone does....always has a smile, which makes me smile, even if i don't want to. ^_^ ) everyday i go to school wondering what will become of me if i do this the way i did yesterday, or if i still act the same way i usually do. but hey, i still have great friends to come to and laugh with whenever i dont see things the right way. they see past who i was and see what is before them right now, good or bad. that's why i try to stay the way i am now. but i swear, its hard. its hard for me to live the life i want to live. other than that, i must be pretty bored to put this in but i had no choice. it is a journal riight? i just had to vent out a little because that dream freaked me out...i could remember it so clearly.

2003-04-19T23:00:00.000-07:00

just came back from doing some AP stuff...i suppose im almost done, and also some math...gotta go to church tomorrow since its easter sunday and all.

- i suppose happy easter to all who reads this...anyways...went to the mall and such just to hang out with family. of course as always...we separate and end up going around alone, but oh well. i wish i went swimming this morning though, because i had nothing better to do anyways besides that frekkin AP thingy. anyways,

rock on!! X-D....haha, i got bored.

2003-04-18T09:38:00.000-07:00

oh mai goodness graciousness...haha finally fixed my guitar and put some new soft strings on it. so now i can play again...although im not that good at all...psh, haha.

- oh yeah good friday is today...

- long course sucks....literally. oh well...one last day of practice and it'll all be good becasue my guitar is fixed. haha.

- oh yeah i went to UOP last wednesday which i forgot to write about...anyways...campus was alright, but it was too quiet and stuff...they didn't have the major im shooting for, but the campus was very clean and tidy. of all the ten people i think that went, no one wanted to go there. even the PACT supervisors wouldn't have wanted to. oh well..the food was good at least and the ride to and from was good...charter buses rock. especially when there are only ten or so of us.

- still eneded up going to practice anyways...and boy did it suck. well..not really but i wish i still went to bethel practice when i had the chance.

anyways, i gotta go finish that AP history stuff...

2003-04-17T21:40:00.000-07:00

....who would've thought...

...that life would be this hard?

.....

2003-04-17T20:39:00.000-07:00

...whoa. sorry about that dry spell...uhh, here, finally found that name to that song:

"Bring Me To Life"

how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where Ive become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I cant wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I cant wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing Ive become

now that I know what Im without
you cant just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I cant wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I cant wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing Ive become

frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead

all this time I cant believe I couldnt see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
Ive been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
dont let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I cant wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I cant wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing Ive become

(Bring me to life)
Ive been living a lie, theres nothing inside
(Bring me to life)

- Evanesence

2003-04-15T09:17:00.000-07:00

....

..uh yeah ill have one pair of flaming scissors to the heart, yeah id like to try that. and one bullet wound to the temple...thanks! =\

...i feel like shit.

2003-04-14T12:11:00.000-07:00

hrmmm...its boring here...i need to get out

- anyways....AP is becoming one hell of a class nowadays....its like everything we cover...i don't know. it sucks...and i don't feel like completing the report thingie.

- it only about 12 hours into spring break officially and im already tired out. i did, nothing. haha...well..i drove katrina's sis down to campobello where her friend is...after that...psh..i just drove around.

- i think i wasted gas just doing it...

- anyways...yeah. tired. oh yeah....i still owe you a picture katrina, riight? well i have one i suppose...ill bring it later if you read this.

yeah...pretty much...i can't wait for that long course swimming. OH!! DUEL IN THE POOL last weekend USA 165 AUSTRALIA 74 yeah!! major rockage goes to Michael Phelps for his 400 IM world record time...

2003-04-10T22:06:00.000-07:00

The haxor handle of Frisko is "N0 inf0 pR0vid3d...a.k.a. th3 Shark'd on3...HAH!!".

tee hee...just messing with the haxor handles....got really bored for that moment of the night for the most part...

2003-04-10T20:35:00.000-07:00

well...today was okay...not too shabby.

- back to the kinda sorta organized list with bullets.

- yeah...today...was pretty cool..i had some fun at the meet. but we all did good....pretty much the same same. swam the 500 free again...and there was no counter except for Scooter and Nadine and thier trusty swim cap to alert me at lap 9 and 19....haha thanks alot guys for helping me out.

- funny thing was i took first in the event and i had this pretty fast guy on my tail in the lane next to me....after the swim i told him that the race was good...and good job and stuff. he turned away and mumbled. then after...he ripped his goggles off and threw them like 50 feet away (exaggerating)...haha. i was like what the hell is your problem...but oh well. sore loser i think...but anyways...that was fun...we all had fun like we usually do.

- the bus came hecka late to the school and we ended up not gettin the lap counters and being somewhat late to the meet....but all was fine. we went home feeling better than we did coming in since the day didn't end up raining us out...honsetly, it was seriously going to. uhm... bus ride home was okay....but yeah, i felt that i was missing someone....so it sorta sucked, but i had Geno,Scooter and Gary there with me...but yeah.

- after, i got my insurance and stuff and i got to pick up my...uhh...i mean katrina's sister from VJO. that was uber-cool ( great wordage scooter...haha). im finally driving on my own....carefully of course.

- and yeah thats it. bye to whoever reads this crap!! Heh.

whether you notice it or not.

2003-04-09T21:37:00.000-07:00

I am a Defender-ship.

I am fiercely protective of my friends and loved ones, and unforgiving of any who would hurt them. Speed and foresight are my strengths, at the cost of a little clumsiness. I'm most comfortable with a few friends, but sometimes particularly enjoy spending time in larger groups. What Video Game Character Are You?

see i knew that old one was wrong back there...sorta. hah.

2003-04-09T16:19:00.000-07:00

WHOO HOO. I AM AN OFFICIALLY LICENSED DRIVER. ANYWAYS, IM NOT DRIVING UNTIL NEXT MONDAY. VERY COOL. HAHAHA. YESS.

oh...and where were you katrina? i hope you're feeling well...and getting better. anyways...today i felt hella wierd and stuff...but i think its because i couldn't sleep that well last night. other than that...my gramps..hehe is doing very fine....gladly. my dad didn't come home till like 4 last night because he went to the hospital for my grampa. but...everythings fine and life is good again....DRIVE!!

2003-04-09T02:26:00.000-07:00

decided to take a few quizzes...oh and i found this wierd thing at this one site called a haxor handle...or something...

Your Heart is Blue

What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

that seems interesting....

The haxor handle of Frisko is "Lunix R0b0t".

whoa....lunix r0b0t...yeah.

I am an Asteroid.

I am a drifter. I go where life leads, which makes me usually a very calm and content sort of person. That or thoroughly apathetic. Usually I keep on doing whatever I'm doing, and it takes something special to make me change my mind. What Video Game Character Are You?

Hahaha...what? thats kinda wrong...

2003-04-09T02:00:00.000-07:00

can't sleep....my dad is not home yet...he went out to go bring my grandpa to the hospital...hope everything is okay...he's been out since like 8 30 last night i guess? uhh anyways....im pretty fucked up right now...i guess my body didn't take in too much melatonin...

2003-04-08T20:00:00.000-07:00

whoa....it doesn't seem like 8...still so bright up here...

- everything will be on one bullet this time...ill try out this format once...anyways...came home just 20 minutes ago from VJO...gawd was it fucking tiring...pardon the french...my shoulders are still stiffened from all that work. got my Bethel team pictures today also. man they are hella funny...everyone looked pretty good with all the props and stuff. i didn't even realize i smiled that way....it may look hella cheesy but hey...it was supposed to be a FUN picture riiight? haha...
anyways, practice was fun nonetheless...finally feel pretty good with all the input i have from coach now, thanks to Nadine and stuff... im feeling myself getting in shape once again. i can't wait for that vintage meet...i have a feeling that it will be pretty fun. uhh..oh no im running out of things to talk about...oh yeah still don't know who reads my blog..but anyways..just wondering...can i have a pic katrina? imma bring one of me and the guys tomorrow if yah want...haha my wallet got stolen last year so i lost every pic i had of you and that one group pic i had....oh well..tomorrow okay? your sis says hi too.

okay thats it. oh yeah...sorry katrina, but the person that passed away yesterday wasn't from VJO...may be i put it the wrong way...sorry. it was a relative i barely knew ...but still, my parents sure did know about her...but yeah thanks for all that stuff you said in your blog...alrighty thats it...time for a shower.

2003-04-08T15:49:00.000-07:00

i have a dot on my paper...HAH!!

- still the same...tired and gloomy with a little ups and downs here and there...

- just glad to be home...i need to be in water...

2003-04-07T22:51:00.000-07:00

from scooter's blog:
"If you are going through hell, keep going."
- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

...yeah im still going.

2003-04-07T22:26:00.000-07:00

my freaking shoulders hurt.!!!

- okay i felt that i had to delete this part of the post with the help of the consultations scooter gave me...it seemed too personal...ill keep that stuff to diary x or something that katrina said, anyways it was about her and i really don't know who knows about this blog...yeah...so whoever is reading skip all that and read on to the heavy stuff ~~>

- okay... someone close to my parents, just earlier today, died of cancer...so yeah i had to get out early from VJO...but not really that early. we were somewhat waaay past our main set anyways...(500, 2 250s, 4 125s, 10 50s and then 10 50s again) but uhmm...it feels very empty when someone's gone...i just came back from a little gathering to honor the deceased and it seemed like everyone was just trying to get along...look at old pictures...chat a little. everyone was conversing about how this was memorable and how this happened here and that happened there...its funny...it seemed like everything was going to be fine...but there was just something missing.

2003-04-06T13:24:00.000-07:00

damn i feel like shit...

- i hate springing clocks forward.....

- and so many other factors...

2003-04-05T20:30:00.000-08:00

i guess today wasn't that bad.....

- did nothing. besides Bio work...

- went to church...prayed for a good week next week...and alot of other things...

- cleaned alot around the house....

- it lead me back here...in front of my computer. again.

- but this time...eating some Pocky

- Strawberry Pocky rocks!! XD yeah!

haha ok...pretty uneventful.

2003-04-05T11:41:00.000-08:00

*sigh*...maybe i should have signed up for SATs. im HELLA bored....imma go clean something up around the house...

2003-04-04T05:49:00.000-08:00

oh shit fuck.

2003-04-04T05:48:00.000-08:00

here i am again....early in front of the computer...

counting how many days i have before "something happens" between....

last meet of the season before M.E.L.'s: Hogan

will it "happen" there?

2003-04-02T21:06:00.000-08:00

=\

...i have no idea...but my name never shows up on the posted by thing in the blogs...no matter what i type into the template, it just never shows...

2003-04-02T20:28:00.000-08:00

okay...this might be a loong one because i have a lot to explain....not to be mean or anything.

- okay since you're going to read this anyways, i might as well use names and stuff but this is to explain for everything i told you earlier before your WSI katrina...

- please, please forgive me.

- the reason why jerick and kris said all that stuff is because they can clearly see what you do. it seems that you jump around to different guys like some of the others before the current one doesn't matter to you anymore...i mean i can clearly see it, but i know that they are wrong in so many different ways. they told me that they also think that you can never get settled into a relationship with just one guy...you jump around and people that say they like you, you refuse to go out with, and the people you like somehow get what your trying to get at and start liking you anyways.

- you could tell what was on my mind...in that case, i had a lot of crap on my mind. some of it was senseless. i wasn't thinking about jorelyn at all...i was thinking about you... i was thinking about ways i can try to help you change and how i can prove those guys morally wrong. thats why i still have those feelings for you...because i believe you can settle down into a relationship...and prove them wrong...it makes me breakdown when i hear kris and jerick saying all these bad things about how you jump from guy to guy and then some...but i guess that there is no way to catching your heart is there?

- even people i dont know, know what you do because they can see it too....all these fucking name calling and stuff says it all...and i mean i need to get this out to give you the big picture...so please , please forgive me...they call you a whore and so much other stuff i can't even take note of it...and it hurts to hear stuff like that about a girl as great as you.

- i think thats why everyone talks so much shit about you...when you got that letter april fools....you were amazed or surprised or even happy...right?

- that's what i mean...which is the reason why jerick, the quietest guy i've ever met, said what he said. everyone expected it. i don't know what you think but i think that's the reason why they gave you the fucking joke in the first place...they were fucking amused at how you react to such a thing.

- anyways im very sorry about all of this. this was pretty much what was on my mind...and what eats me alive is that...i can see it too.

sorry...go ahead and hate me for this. i'll understand. im going to kill myself for this anyways...=\

2003-04-01T20:55:00.000-08:00

the SHORTEST news list...

- i lost my sister boo-hoo...

hahaha...talk to you later.

2003-03-31T19:11:00.000-08:00

"Being loved by a girl, but-as-a-friend is like having lemonade made with salt instead of sugar poured over the open wound in your chest."

-p3

sometimes i wish i wasn't so lame...putting this in. but it feels true.

2003-03-31T19:05:00.000-08:00

i think there is some kind you know like...some kind of you know like...lazy bug going around or something..

- cause damn.im hella lazy to write in here and stuff...

- haha!! hmm...it seemed like something was missing or horribly wrong at school today and i dont even know what...

- i was hella out of it and stuff...TA stuff was hella crazy and hecka parents got sorta impatient at the attendance window....

- but yeah something is missing

- OH yeah....i got a B- on a DBQ!!! geez...that was like the second time that happened in like, a million years....usually i see C+'s and stuff and that's not so great...

- hey.. now that i think about it, i guess i wasn't so timid to write in here.

ok im tired....as always.

2003-03-29T21:51:00.000-08:00

well..everything feels the same again...geez i hate those swings

- but yeah..today was fun fun.

- got our relays up and running, cracking jokes, pinching nipples, whupping (sp?) ass, and having some all out fun.

- co-ed relays were the best though...we kick ass.

- anyways for those that weren't there....uhh... be prepped to get shark'd...i guess...ill explain later but its not much to worry about...really.

- hope that SAT studying was good. you know who you are...

- and last but not least francis's party was great, lots of food and yeah. oh and i hope everyone enjoys the rest of their weekend.

Up days are the best...oh and LP Meteora has some major rockage....major.

2003-03-28T22:08:00.000-08:00

dammit i hate this feeling..

- that show Ed was pretty striking. depressed even more...i hope mark has that airsoft ready.

- good show though.

2003-03-28T21:02:00.000-08:00

what do i say?

- nothing.

- uhh yeah anyways...im going to die tommorow. its either mark will take a shot at me with his airsoft, causing me to winch in pain, rollover on my side, twist my ankle somehow, break my arm, and then fall into fairfield's pool OR just sit and die and swim my butt off...literally.

- i pick the first one. it hurts more. heh.

today was one of those damn down days....really down. =\

2003-03-26T21:25:00.000-08:00

well...what to put in here...

- uhmm....it seems like bethel practice had fun today...they went ahead and supplemented timers for the hogan vs. vintage meet...which was pretty cool.

- that is until i got stuck timing myself...haha just kidding...

- but yeah that was a great way to start off with what we did in vjo today....it was hell..

- all of the sudden all that fun froze over and died. and then my busted calf muscle started acting up and stuff. boy, hard times there...

- uhh but anyways, both practices were fun and i was glad to have spent time with the bethel swim team and the tennis team as well...

oh shit, DBQ tommorow...time to go take some of that ibuprophen and go to sleep...nighty night! haha...j/k

2003-03-25T21:23:00.000-08:00

shit... people these days

- you go into a conversation and you come out of the convo as the bad guy...

- its senseless i know...how are you going to stir up a conversation and cut it off with some other bullshit? why dont they just forget about it? she never fucking cared anyways...

- shit...im glad the some people saw clearly what went on...those are my true friends...where the fuck would i be without them?

- it sucks to be alone. just fighting for yourself....at least i have backup.

whatever...im sleepy and practice was oh- so- dandy...blew out my calf though...at least i think i did...haha

2003-03-24T21:22:00.000-08:00

welps..its about nine-ten and fifty- three seconds into the night, a.k.a pm....and theres not much to do here at home...

- so i reside in the lists of the blog.

- whoopie.

- well...mixed feelings is all i can say was all that i felt today...i had my ups and certainly my downs...but i found out one thing that was very true in fact...

- my cousin renato...most people refer to as "nado", "DDR nado", or the oh- so- cool "hey you"...typed up a quote that was very true...as shown by ray:

-"everyday we die a little more"....in which case...we do. i like it because its true.

- i dunno why that hit me so hard...i guess it sounds so weird to me becasue its from my cousin from somewhere, the bro i never had, and he's always upbeat.

- uhh anyways...practice was hecka fun and stuff...major rockage indeed.

- and yeah....day was ok..still stuck in wonders about that stupid trial we have in AP history but i think i have my verdict down...hey...i thought it would also be over today?

- secret here and there...(note only one) you know what i mean...i could have sworn i was expecting getting wet...haha but whatever...i guess i got shark'd on that one.

looong list....can't wait to find out who this one leg dude is...props to him if he kicks robert's butt on friday...but hey..we're all equal.....right? no one is faster than the other because each swimmer has the potential to be fast... no hard feelings...

...im going to get my ass kicked. rock on!!

2003-03-20T21:12:00.000-08:00

well..we lost...but... heh. no big deal right? it was fun...very fun...hehe

- well..we lost by ten points exactly...oh well...only if vacaville wasn't so cheesy we would have lost by only four...

- damn diving...stupid school board...throwing our dreams of having a dive team for our swim team to supplement...it would give us an edge for sure.

- but hey...we all did very well...and i mean everyone...i believe that we gave vacaville a run for their money...at least on the guys side....but yeah..we did good

-i swear if i lose swimming i'll lose everything...swimming is my life...but i think i can handle it...that friggin' D+ in brum brum's class is only a minor setback...parents said they wont take me out of it...YAY...so i guess i'll see another meet in about a week...YAY twice again. haha

- bus ride there was hell...bus ride home was nice...hehe

alright....thats about it...oh and TA attendance RuLeS !!!!

2003-03-19T00:06:00.000-08:00

uhh...still can't sleep...i dont know what's keeping me up...hype, hurt,or nothing at all...

2003-03-18T23:11:00.000-08:00

ummm...i cant sleep...

2003-03-17T17:57:00.000-08:00

well...i guess that's it...

- i told you...pinky promised i would, and i did...the last thing i'd do is break a promise...especially with you.

-sorry for holding it in for a while...i suppose i feel stupid for stalling like that...i could have sworn that i have the courage to tell you anything.

-i dunno..if we could be the same like sophmore year...i swear i'd try to do everything right for a change.

-well, whatever you think is fine with me...but do i have to wait until tomorrow?

2003-03-15T11:39:00.000-08:00

Did I ever tell you that I really love you...
and I think about you all day?
I really miss you and wish I could kiss you
but why are you so far away?

Since you've been gone
I've thought over and over about you inside my
head
and where I went wrong, where I went wrong
Everyday...
I've been thinkin' alot about all of the things
you'd say
Since I went away...
Since I went away...
I guess I could call you
and ask you "How are you"
But really don't have much to say
I sit all alone
and I stare at the phone
and I hope that you're doing o.k.

ATARIS RULE.

2003-03-14T23:14:00.000-08:00

wow...late twice again..

- anywho...i knew it was goign to be one heck of a boring day...until the middle of it at least...hehe

- yeah....went out to watch Tears of the Sun with my pops (haha)...really sad at many points of the movie, but it was okay

- im not really happy about skipping morning practice...i regret sleeping in.

- pretty much missed a day where i can get shark'd hahah...but man...i wish i went.

- major rockage here and there

-and yeah...the middle of my day was good...like around three to be specific...hee hee

oh well..i guess this day was alright....once i think about it....zZzzZzZzZZzZ...GAH!!

2003-03-14T09:24:00.000-08:00

uh-oh...i have a feeling its going to be a boring day...

- oh yeah..sorry Coach Hillary for not going to that early morning practice...i couldn't make it.

- and sorry katrina..i promised i was going to teach you some butterfly...but i guess that'll have to hold out until next week.( unless you didn't attend pratice...then nevermind haha.)

alrighty..short list today...man i wish i had my license...haha oh well !!

2003-03-13T19:53:00.000-08:00

well...the perfect ending to the perfect day..

- we won, er, should i say the guys won today against Napa high school. 103- 71....whoopee!!

- im starting to feel great again...not just because of the win but because of how i saw everyone so happy...it may be corny but im sure that the swim team would still be very happy even if we lost...but, congrats to all the guys...we did it like we said we would and i couldn't celebrate without you guys. Teamwork is the best.

- oh and for all the girls...GREAT JOB!! well...i guess you couldn't hold it for the win, but that doesn't matter, really...but i believe that there will be a meet where the both of us would win...

- anyways..this was a perfect day because i've also connected with someone very very dear to me...and i really haven't connected like this with her for QUITE some time...

- and that was katrina...

- i mean it was pretty cool...i got to see her sweet side again...and i swear (on my behalf) that i haven't seen that for a while.

- soo...now i reserved a dance...actually 2 dances for her at the prom... she said she'll save me a couple too.

- long list huh?...but anyways...i guess having a date fo prom isn't so bad after all...but i mean i have a ticket haha.

alright...i guess this REALLY was the perfect end to the perfect day...

2003-03-12T16:06:00.000-08:00

sorry guys...got nothing really to say.

except that i knew this day would come when everything crumbles again.

and then rises occasionally.

and then back down.

2003-03-11T21:50:00.000-08:00

whoa...late late stuff...i usually go to bed at this time seriously. i was planning to put something here so here it is...but i ran out of ideas on what to put.

-man co- coaching and making up the workout for Bethel practice was good..im very sorry if i worked you guys too hard...and i hope i didn't, but it was fun...first time i really had fun at a swim practice. well, anyways VJO wasnt so bad...very pleasing actually because i feel much more in shape than i ever have for a long time. so i guess i can say that this day was smooth. pictures were great also...the best for quite some time. it's actually ther first time everyone dropped the whole preppie school pic gig. everyone just let loose...cool.

-oh yeah i think i have a date in mind for prom but i hope she's not taken.

- oh also, decided to take these blogs and convert all of my entries and try to type all for them in list form.

- like this.

- uhh....still waiting on that airsoft gun of mine....i doubt im going to ever get a hand on those things, but i still have hope if we get a little skirmish or CG going. if my parents see how much fun im having getting shot here and there, they MIGHT let me buy one for my butt.

-SOCOM M-23/ MP-5 (notice the slash...haha) here i come. that's about sixty to 100 bucks down the drain for something downright useless and very dangerous.

alright that pretty much sums up this day...im going to turn my tired butt in and go to sleep.

2003-03-10T18:59:00.000-08:00

oh yeah RoCkS RuLe!!!!!

2003-03-10T18:57:00.000-08:00

well well well...look whos here now... ME!! HAHAHAHAHAH DANG I HAVENT BEEN HERE FOR QUITE SOMETIME NOW...welpz...here you go scooter...finally updating the blogger...

well...anyways here's the lowdown... its been about 64 hours since Jorelyn elegantly broke up with me. yes..she did...and i feel better than ever before. she never treated me the way a boyfriend should be treated. i'm more glad that she's gone than if i were still with her. oh and im pretty sure that she's hurting more than i am. i laugh profusely to the fact she can't even set eyes on me anymore...haha. anyways...that relationship told me a lesson....a very valuable one: she wasn't the one. i suppose it's not my time (like it ever will be...HaHa!!) to find the right person. besides...i feel great...i guess i did find something useful to that relationship...i mean it was great thinking that i had someone to go to for comfort and stuff...and that pretty much was her but i suppose i didn't need anyone else but my three buddies jerick, francis and kris...at least they understood how it felt to be with her because they saw how she treated me. all i could have done was break it off myself. hey i wouldn't be surprised at all if she found someone sooner or later...she's a great gal...i swear...on my behalf (notice not on god...i don't do that stuff).

so anyways....that stuff waaaaay back in november (11/15/2002 at 8:59:02PM to be exact...haha.)...forget all that stuff...no matter how much life sucks.....it'll always be the same and nothing's ever going to change...unless you make it change. so yeah....thats just the way life is....and i can understand that more than ever when i met Jorelyn....too bad it just didn't last....its not your average Norman/ Selina relationship...and thats pretty much what im looking for. actually....they've been strong for a while...a loooong while...and i envy that about the both of them. HoW DoO DeY dOo It?!?! hahah just kidding...if they're reading this good luck to the both of you.

so basically...life can be great where everything goes your way and life could suck so bad you'd want to kill yourself...those are pretty much the only two ways life can go. but shit happens. i (swear on my behalf) i learned so much since i have been with Jorelyn...and even more so than when i broke up with her two and 3/4 days ago...haha. so that cowardly blog waaaaaaaaay back in november...i really mean that i want to get rid of it.

but just for fun...ill keep it. it shows how i was and how i should be.

uhh what else...oh yeah...las vegas was great. i cant wait till we can go back again....the best part was not just the fact taht we were staying at one of the most expensive hotels there....it was the fact that it was FREE!!! F-R-E-E!! haha okay...but see i don't really care...that vacation was all i needed to get back on track.

so...is this long enough Scooter? ill keep up so you can stop bugging me about updating it...haha ill be sure to update it whenever i can buddy.

now the BIG issue is....Who the hell am i going to take to prom?

2002-11-17T12:49:00.000-08:00

~~you know what? the more i read that cowardly blog back friday....the more i want to erase it...oh well...i might just forget the whole damn thing.~~

2002-11-16T17:15:00.000-08:00

yellow does rock...

2002-11-15T20:59:00.000-08:00

fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life fuck this life......

.....why me? hahahaha...that's funny...im just not happy anymore....how ironic.

2002-11-15T20:46:00.000-08:00

~~yeah i erased this...it didn't seem strong anymore...they really don't care anyways~~

2002-11-15T16:10:00.000-08:00

man....im sorry but i have HELLA stuff i wanna vent out so badly....but ill do it later on tonight...for now..i'd just like to say im sorry to my buddy Brian Macapinlac...i know its your party and all....im pretty much sorry i could not go....it was last minute thinking thats why...i had plans earlier today....i am deeply sorry....but anyways if it makes you feel better....my plans were fucked up...i know that you might not read this shit at all...but im just saying im sorry dude.

2002-11-14T15:55:00.000-08:00

its fun venting anger on a blog....but something just made me really depressed...i felt like it kinda sorta related to me...just in some way. i just dont know how...i dont feel like talking about it..

2002-11-11T01:16:00.000-08:00

i cant go on...pretty soon im going to crack. i just cant take this shit anymore...its just hard to hear this and see that...even thought ive never had it. because you know what? everyone hates me..i can see it in their eyes...they hated my party...wasn't flashy enough...they hate it when im around. whats the difference? im pretty much alone...what could be the greatest days of my life...hanging out with friends...all crashes down...no one listens to me. who would...im just one heck of a loner to them. they dont care what i do...but i care what they do. its just hard to be a part of what they are...being cool...where most people know you and everyone around you...especially them. im just one of those tagalongs who sits in the back of the pack because im not cool enough to ride up with them...believe me i know how they portray me...im a sucker. with practically nothing. so why bother being in this generation if i can't live up to my own expectations?
they can choose against me because i am just one person. i cant attack them if they're wrong because they have people to back them up...especially one of them...because he snaps at everything i say. i just choose to listen...so...what do i need to do? wear new clothes? learn new trends? make new trends? listen to everything they say? change my attitude? change my life? play guitar better? renovate every single fucking detail in my home so they'll like it? start going where ever they go? staying afterschool for hours on end? start slacking off? leave you guys alone? still hang around you guys? just tell me...and ill do it...if you dont like me so be it...you're my friend because i know who you are and what you're made of...if you dont like me then maybe im not your friend....but consider this...you're mine. you guys are my friends and i love hanging around with you...because you lift me up when im falling. pick me up and dust me off. help me out when i need you guys the most. you guys are a part of me...and if you dont want me to be a part of you just say it....ill leave...not only you guys but myself...ill leave everything...to lose you guys is like taking all of my limbs off and letting me live through the pain. and when im dead is when you give me the fucking morphine.
ill try harder if you ask me to go with you guys...but if i can't dont judge me for it...yeah it hurts alot to hear people say things about you, but its even worse when it is the very people that are around you every single fucking moment of your high school lunch lives. so....hey if im being annoying to you just yell it in my face...if you dont like me hanging around you guys tell me...im here with open ears guys.

2002-11-11T00:46:00.000-08:00

FUCKING ASSHOLE SON OF A BITCH PIECE OF SHIT ASS MOFO...

i kicked my dresser...dammit ow.

2002-11-11T00:44:00.000-08:00

~~my life just cant stop getting worse....~~

2002-10-24T16:34:00.000-07:00

"and ye shall hear of wars and rumors of wars. see that ye be not troubled, for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet....for nation must rise against nation and kingdom against kingdom...then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted and shall put you to death... but he that shall endure unto the end, he shall be saved."

- Matthew 24:6-13

2002-10-19T08:46:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes we're the entire double-stuffed cookie, othertimes we're just the crust easily tossed away in order to get at the good stuff.

Girls suck when they make us the crust without telling us."

-p3
....a.k.a....what my life has run through sooo many times....

2002-10-11T23:56:00.000-07:00

~~read the bold...you know what im talking about.~~

2002-10-11T23:49:00.000-07:00

crap...i hate it when your day was just the day for you, where everything was very peachy,then it gets shot down like a mofo right smack dab in the middle and a whole turn of events just looms over you...it may not happen to everyone, but it sure does always happen to me. i mean why does life have to be like this?...anyways...i guess this is the lowpoint of the "life isn't fair" deal. so in a way..im going to let it out on text...just flat out...it may seem crazy but hear me out. ok so everything is going fine just like everyone would want their days to..you know where this happens and then that happens and everything goes smoothly. then comes along a good friend who talks about something that you wished you forgot a long time ago and then he reminisces you about it and keeps telling you that "oh you know blah blah happened and i think they'll be an item"....then you say "yeah so...why do i care? its just the way it is"...when you know that you do care and then it comes right back into your face. and then you get mad at the person who gave you the info shit in the first place and then your friend decides to forget about you and then tell all of his friends not to talk to you so you decided to go back to your group...just to realize that they're all going out tonight and you can't because you've got parents who won't let you. ever. so that leaves you with nothing....no friends...no one to talk to...yeah...and everyone's having fun while you're stuck at home watching old reruns....alone. so basically the day that you thought would be just perfect....goes down flawlessly. i know it may sound like crap but its true...thats pretty much my life runs through. its late and i dont fell like blogging anymore...i think ive made my point to myself...im sorry if this was a waste of your time...it doesn't apply to everyone you know.

2002-10-08T18:13:00.000-07:00

blog: well..

-just glad to be home
-more homework...as usual
-dont feel like practicing today
-number 87!! yesss!!
-PSAT here i come...haha

man im so freaking happy to be home...blah..it took me hella long to get my sign up for PSATs...yes its that time for peesats...haha. but man..it took me most of the lunch period just to get my hands on a ten dollar attempt practice and a couple of papers. oh well...i guess it just like a taste of trying to get a class that you want in college...yes. its just that crowded... even crowded...er. yeah...haha. i just hope that this PSAT would help me out. 87...my lucky number for that day. i was tired just waitng in a big crowd..who wouldn't...standing there...for 45 minutes. freaking norman was number five...haha...dang must have gone out hella early...i should have also. oh well..at least i have MY test and its over with...now to study..and finish homework...yeah. pee out bloggie...j/k

2002-10-07T16:00:00.000-07:00

Blog: Today...

-Bitchy AP test
-life sucks...yeah as usual
-finally a freaking ps2
-yes... no AP homework.
-CSF pretty cool cool!!!...hahah j/k

good god....that friggin AP test was one heavy mother fudger...god only knows what my score is...i just hope its decent...yeah...got my tests back from math...and i passed barely because of interpreting the problem wrong. i mean i know everything there is to know about the chapter...it was just the way she adressed what to do for the damn thing...i got 2 out of 20 points...yeeesh...but i got everything else right...so 79/100....crap ass...thats not a good grade at all. geez why do we need math anyways?...besides Einstein failed MATH and look what happened to him. but i better nto procrastinate about this stuff...im just scared half to death about my freaking AP test...i hope the essay doesn't sound like bullshit...hehe...it better not be failing...oh well look on the bright side...my days are usual...im still keeping up with stuff and overall im having a not so wonderful time!!!....haha....thats what it takes to be ahead in this world.